If you still aren’t doing work you love, you’ve probably developed a good story about what you’re missing in order to explain why that is.
Maybe it’s that you don’t have enough time, money, or energy to find work you’d enjoy. Perhaps it’s that you don’t have the right skills and experience, or access to the right opportunities or people. Or maybe the story is that you’re too flighty, too depressed, too unfocused, too fearful, too timid, too passionate, or not passionate enough to make a successful transition.
The only reason I say this (or know it in the first place), is because I do it myself all the time. In fact, it’s quite human to come up with these stories. It’s our analytic brain trying to be helpful by pinpointing where we are, where we want to be, and what it thinks we need to get there.
The trouble is, the things we lack are often not easy to come by. Thus, rather than empowering us to make the change we seek, these stories become road blocks that reinforce the unhelpful belief that it’s impossible—or at least extremely difficult—to find what we’re looking for.
But the most interesting thing about these stories isn’t that they tend to backfire on us—it’s that they’re actually untrue. I’ve seen how, over and over again, when I reach a goal and reflect back on the process, that what I thought was missing wasn’t, and what I expected to get in my way didn’t after all.
That’s because there’s really only one thing we need to find what we’re looking for, no matter how difficult or improbable it is.
What you need to be successful
There’s no one thing “out there” in the world outside of yourself (an idea, friend, or opportunity, for example) that’s the key to your success. In fact, there are many ideas, friends, and opportunities that could help you find your way to what you’re looking for.
There’s also no one way you need to be. I’ve met tons of people who have found their calling, many of whom were flighty, unfocused, depressed, fearful, timid and/or overly or “under-ly” passionate. Some didn’t have the skills or experience they needed at first and had to acquire them. Most were quite busy with lots of responsibilities, and just about none of them had as much money or energy as they thought they needed when they started.
What all of these people did need in order to find work they loved was confidence. Given that success is really about conducting enough experiments (and failing enough times) to find out what works for you, confidence is key.
Confidence is what helps you feel empowered enough to commit to a goal that you know is a stretch in the first place. It allows you to stick with your intentions and find your way around obstacles that appear impassable at first glance. It sustains your efforts to seek any external resources you may need and bolsters your ability to tap into your internal strength and capabilities.
What confidence is (and isn’t)
So yes, confidence is a must-have if you’re going to find work you love, but don’t panic quite yet. The most important thing to know about confidence is that you already have it, even if you feel like the most insecure person on the planet right now.
When I use the word “confidence”, I’m not talking about bravado or some sort of god-given ability to convince the world that you’re the bee’s knees. I’m not talking about believing that you’re better than anyone else, or that things are always going to turn out exactly according to your plan. I’m also not talking about the ability to smoothly sell yourself to others or to stay cool, calm, and collected around potential mates.
The confidence that I’m talking about is actually summed up quite well on Dictionary.com, which defines it as “full trust” and “a belief in one’s powers and abilities.” I really like this definition because it doesn’t say “belief that one’s abilities are the best ever” or “belief that one is perfect and without flaws.” Everyone has access to confidence because we all have the ability to trust, and we all get to choose what we believe.
So to find our confidence, all we need to do is be willing to believe that who we are and what we’re capable of doing—while imperfect—are enough.
How to be more confident
Years ago, when I first learned about the importance of confidence in everything from dating to test-taking, I tried to talk myself into feeling better about myself. It didn’t work. Confidence isn’t something you can force, fake, or even create. What’s worse, when my efforts floundered, I felt even more insecure because my lack of self-assuredness now felt like a failure (talk about a vicious cycle).
What I’ve learned since then is that confidence isn’t an all-or-nothing game.
Brene Brown asserts that courage isn’t something we either have or don’t, but rather is a quality that we can all develop through intentional practice. Confidence is similar. We all have access to it, and though we can’t manufacture it, we can nurture it with conscious cultivation. And just as courage doesn’t require an absence of fear, confidence doesn’t require an absence of doubt. You can have doubts and still choose to believe in your own capabilities.
Here are 3 powerful ways you can cultivate your own confidence in daily life.
1. Take action (any action).
It can be hard to believe something without evidence, but once you see it for yourself, it’s a lot harder to deny. That’s why action builds confidence: it gives you the chance to see your talents and power in practice.
If you’re not sure what to do, pick something small that can move you towards your goal. It might be trying out an exercise I’ve offered to help clarify your passion, signing up for a class in something you don’t yet know how to do, or finding someone to interview about a job you might be interested in. It doesn’t really matter what it is so long as it takes you closer to your goal. And if you’re feeling overwhelmed, then break it down into the smallest step you can possibly imagine.
Whatever you choose, the important thing is to do it. Then, after celebrating your accomplishment, take another small step. Then another and another.
Over time, even if all of your small steps aren’t successful, a lot of them will be. This will give you evidence of your capabilities, which is one of confidence’s favorite foods.
2. Change your focus.
If you were seeing everything you do clearly and without bias, you would be blown away by your abilities. It never ceases to amaze me how incredibly talented all my clients are, and how consistently they fail to recognize these capabilities themselves.
It all comes down to what you pay attention to. If you focus on what skills you don’t have, what you don’t know, or what you haven’t done, you’ll be hard-pressed to feel confident about future prospects. But if you can start to finally acknowledge all your accomplishments and contributions, faith in yourself will easily follow.
One of my favorite ways to do this is with a Neverending List. All you have to do is start a list of anything you’ve accomplished, done well, or contributed to the world. Take a few minutes each day to add as many things from your current life or from your past as you can possibly come up with—at least 20, if you want to be sure you’re being thorough—no matter how small or inconsequential they may seem. If it’s hard to think of items for your list, then your standards are too high. Remember that something as simple as smiling at someone on the street can have a big impact on their day. Include anything and everything that you think might possibly qualify. Then, once a week, read through your list and really let it sink in just how amazing it is that one person actually did all these things.
3. Join a community.
When I asked for feedback from my first Pathfinders Group Coaching participants, I wasn’t sure what to expect. They reported progress in diverse areas, but one theme in particular stood out: almost everyone reported feeling an increased sense of confidence and empowerment as a result of the group.
To be honest, I’m not totally sure why that is, but it’s consistent with my own experience of community. Every time I participate in a group of peers, I feel better about myself, more confident in my abilities, and more capable of tackling whatever obstacle is at hand.
It may have to do with the fact that in community, your challenges are normalized—you get to see how other talented people are struggling with the same things you are.
It may be that you see other people similar to you succeeding, which makes it feel more doable. Or maybe it’s that you have the opportunity to make contributions to others and see your impact more easily.
Whatever it is, community seems to be a powerful shortcut to confidence. If you’re not feeling good about yourself or your prospects, find others like you and create a structure to share openly and honestly with each other. It takes effort and commitment, but it also cultivates confidence like nothing else.
Confidence is like a hidden power-up that can strengthen your efforts any time you choose to look for it. It unlocks all the other resources and gifts you might need to get to where you want to go.
If there’s one thing I’d like you to take from this post, it’s this: you already have everything you need to find what you’re looking for. Confidence is just about tapping into a large enough perspective to see that. And seeing things in this more honest light, you begin to realize that no matter where you are, no matter how lost or stuck or frustrated you feel, you’re already on the road to finding what you seek.
Nurture your confidence with a community of peers
If you’d like help to make the road to your calling clearer and easier to follow, I’ve got good news: I’m starting another Pathfinders Group Coaching group in the new year. I’m doing this because the current group is full, and I want more people to be able to enjoy the benefits that early participants have seen, such as (in their own words):
- “Clarity on my next steps”
- “Discovery of my strengths, skills, and passions”
- “Tools for dealing with stress, anxiety, and uncertainty”
- “Confidence to start moving forward”
- “A sense of empowerment”
To find out more about how the combination of coaching and community can help you find the clarity and confidence you need to start doing more meaningful work, click here to schedule a free, no-obligation call. This is one of the most cost-effective and powerful programs I offer, and I only have 5 spots open, so if you’re interested in learning more, please don’t wait.
Over to you
The comments function on my blog was broken, but now it’s fixed! I’d love to hear from you about what you make of all this. In particular, I’d love to know:
What helps you feel more confident? What gets in the way?
Please leave a comment below!